How many good fathers do you know? How many bad? And if you are a father yourself, are you a good one or a bad one?
This is a tough question for most people.
You likely have well-defined opinions of your own father, and you have probably shaped your view of fatherhood through your own experience. But this is a less than helpful measuring stick.
Let’s use David’s life instead.
In 1 Kings 1, the text pauses the political drama to give us a deeply revealing note about David’s son Adoniyah:
1 Kings 1:6 His father had never in his life confronted him by asking, ‘Why are you behaving this way?’ Moreover, he was a very handsome man; he was born next after Avshalom.
That sentence explains almost everything that follows. Before armies, alliances, or declarations, Scripture points to formation. Adoniyah is not simply ambitious. He is unformed.
But there is always one black sheep, right?
We learn from the Bible that David had at least 20 children. There were 19 named sons and 1 named daughter. A quiver full, you might say.
If you don’t know much about David other than he was a mighty king after God’s own heart, you might expect his family to be mighty as well, right? I mean, they are probably a solid church-going family, good tithers, volunteers at Shabbat School, and well respected within the community (as most political leaders are 🙄).
These kids grew up with crazy stories about their dad fighting lions and giants, running from an unstable king that wanted him dead, going into battle almost continually. Their dad was a man’s man.
As if having a superhero dad wasn’t enough, they also had money, prestige, power. These kids literally grew up in the average American family’s dream world. All of those things we do in order to “provide a good life" for our kids are here on display for us to process.
So how does it look? Well, a lot like it does for our kids today (we’ll get to this later).
While we don’t have the full detail on all 20+ kids, we do have a few family-friendly examples to view.
Amnon was David’s firstborn, born in Hebron to Ahinoam of Jezreel. His story turns dark quickly. He violated his half-sister Tamar, and that act set off a chain reaction within the family. It says that David was grieved over this incident but there is no evidence that he brought correction to Amnon. So Absalom, Tamar’s full brother, eventually took matters into his own hands and had Amnon killed.
Absalom, David’s third son, was born to Maacah, the daughter of Talmai, king of Geshur. He was charismatic, admired, and incredibly driven. Over time, that drive turned into ambition. He led a rebellion against his own father, trying to take the throne for himself. The revolt ended when Joab killed him, bringing a tragic close to a son David deeply loved but could not control.
Adoniyah, David’s fourth son, born to Haggith, followed a similar path. As David grew older, Adoniyah began positioning himself as the next king, even declaring it outright. But this was not his place to take. Solomon, another of David’s sons, had already been established as David’s successor. After being warned to recognize that order and step back, Adoniyah made another move toward power. This time, Solomon responded decisively, and Adoniyah was executed.
The moral of the story? Don’t start your children’s names with the letter ‘A’.
Seriously, though, as you can see, the American Dream is easily converted into a family nightmare. And it’s usually the kids that suffer.
So when the text says David never asked, “Why are you doing this?” it is not just about tone. It is about absence of formation, boundaries, and accountability.
Adoniyah’s behavior in 1 Kings 1 makes sense in light of that upbringing:
He exalts himself: “I will be king”.
He gathers chariots, horsemen, and fifty runners.
He builds a public image of legitimacy.
These are not small acts. They are royal assertions. And yet, from his perspective, this likely feels natural. A son who is never corrected begins to assume his desires are valid and his impulses are trustworthy. Then through that arrogance, he assumes his position is secure.
No one has ever told him otherwise.
The text also notes that Adoniyah was very handsome, just like Absalom before him. This matters because external affirmation combined with internal lack of correction creates a dangerous mix. You have an affirmed identity without tested character. You have confidence without restraint (arrogance), and influence without formation.
This is not good.
We love good-looking people but handsomeness is no substitute for competency. This ends up being someone who looks ready for leadership but is not prepared for it.
So as a king-dad that is busy leading and correcting all day, the last thing you want to do is come home and do more of the same. But his lack of correction has consequences. He loses authority in his own house and his sons begin to operate independently of him. Crisis forces reactive leadership instead of proactive formation.
By the time Adoniyah declares himself king, David is old and weakened. The moment calls for decisive leadership, but the groundwork was never laid.
What could have been handled in childhood now erupts at the level of the kingdom.
Besides, there was another son set to take the throne.
If we continue on in 1 Kings 1, we see that Bathsheba and Solomon are pulled into this instability.
1 Kings 1:15 So Bathsheba went into the chamber to the king. (Now the king was very old, and Abishag the Shunammite was serving the king.) 16 And Bathsheba bowed and did homage to the king. Then the king said, “What is your wish?”
17 Then she said to him, “My lord, you swore by the Lord your God to your maidservant, saying, ‘Assuredly Solomon your son shall reign after me, and he shall sit on my throne.’ 18 So now, look! Adonijah has become king; and now, my lord the king, you do not know about it. 19 He has sacrificed oxen and fattened cattle and sheep in abundance, and has invited all the sons of the king, Abiathar the priest, and Joab the commander of the army; but Solomon your servant he has not invited. 20 And as for you, my lord, O king, the eyes of all Israel are on you, that you should tell them who will sit on the throne of my lord the king after him. 21 Otherwise it will happen, when my lord the king rests with his fathers, that I and my son Solomon will be counted as offenders.” (NKJV)
Bathsheba must act politically to secure Solomon’s position. Furthermore, Solomon’s kingship begins under tension, not peace.
The transfer of power becomes urgent and defensive.
Adoniyah’s lack of formation forces others into protective and strategic roles they should not have to occupy. This point is critical. When one child is not corrected, other people are forced to compensate.
Now, Adoniyah’s story does not end with his failed attempt.
After Solomon is established as king, Adoniyah seeks to marry Abishag, a move with royal implications. Solomon interprets this as a renewed claim to the throne, and as a result, Adoniyah, his brother, is executed.
This is not just political miscalculation. It is misreading reality.
A child who is never corrected never learns where boundaries actually are. They will never know how authority truly functions, and worse, when a situation is dangerous. So Adoniyah walks straight into public embarrassment and ultimately destruction.
If only he had been corrected as a child.
Now, Adoniyah’s actions do not just affect him. They affect his legacy. His name becomes associated with rebellion and failure and his line is cut off from influence.
His story becomes a warning rather than a foundation. This is how uncorrected behavior scales. What begins as tolerated immaturity becomes generational consequence.
I know what you may be thinking: “Yeah, this is tragic but this is a one-off situation. My kids won’t have to deal with this if I try and make a difference in the earth. I can balance it all.”
Maybe. But then again, maybe not.
What Scripture shows in narrative, modern research confirms in data. When parents avoid correction, several things happen.
Children need limits to understand reality. Without them they overestimate their autonomy and underestimate consequences.
Without correction some children develop entitlement, while others develop insecurity masked by confidence.
If a parent never challenges behavior the child assumes authority exists to affirm, not guide. Correction later in life feels unjust or hostile.
Correction helps children process frustration, delay, and disappointment. Without it, those emotions overwhelm them later.
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If children are not corrected, patterns tend to emerge:
They often present as capable, confident, and charismatic on the surface, but unstable, reactive, and untested underneath.
So if correction has some merit to it, why do some people avoid giving it?
At its core, parents often avoid correction because they believe it will damage the relationship. They also believe it will suppress the child’s personality or make them feel unloved.
But in reality, the opposite occurs.
Avoiding correction does not protect the child. It removes the very structure that allows them to grow safely.
In addition, correction is not harshness. It is formation. And there is a way to correct lovingly.
It involves:
The goal is not control. It is alignment and maturity.
Adoniyah’s story is not just about a failed claim to the throne. It is about a failure in formation long before the throne was ever in view.
A father who never asked, “Why are you doing this?” raised a son who never learned to ask that question of himself. And when the moment came, that absence became visible to everyone.
What feels like kindness in the moment can become exposure later.
Correction, when done rightly, is not rejection. It is preparation for a moment your child cannot yet see.